Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Redneck Pest Control

First of all let me say: I LOVE ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!
I don't really know why.  Green is my favorite color.  But I don't think that's the entire reason.


I didn't do anything that special.  I went to class.  Then I went with some friends to the park and we had Little Caesar's pizza and then we tried to build a fire in the little barbecue box thing that they have at the parks.  You know what I'm talking about?  I took a video with my ipod, but I don't know how to get it from my ipod to my computer.  I know, sad day.  It was pretty good though.  We gathered sticks that were laying all over the grass.  They didn't burn.  I think it's because they were still wet from being under the snow for 6 months.  So, we burned the pizza boxes and the napkins so that we could make s'mores.  FAIL.  It was not good.  It took me like 10 minutes to get one side of my marshmallow golden brown like I like it.  All of my friends were just lighting theirs on fire and then blowing them out.  But I don't do burned marshmallows.  I am the marshmallow roasting queen, thank you very much. 


When I was little we went camping a lot with my dad's friends.  They all remember when I was like 9 or 10, I roasted 16 perfectly golden marshmallows and I ate every single one of them.  In.One.Night. About 8 of them were in the form of s'mores.  I didn't even get sick.  Please, please, no applause.


So, every spring when the snow starts to melt off of our yard, we get this problem with mice in our window wells.  And sometimes muskrats too, which, I think, are the most disgusting things EVER!  Why?  Because they're deceptive.  When you look at their bodies and their faces they're really, really cute and you kind of want to hug them.  But then, you see their nasty ass rat-like tails.  Rat tails are disgusting!  And when you stick an 8 inch tail like that on a cute, little, fuzzy thing, it totally takes away from their cuteness and you just wanna like, throw up in a blender, mix it up, and then drink it again, and then run over something else gross with a lawn mower or something.  That's how disgusted I am with muskrats.


Anyways, in the last couple of days my brother has killed sooo many mice and 1 muskrat.  (Please, if you're all about animal cruelty, don't start with me.  They're rodents, and they're disgusting, okay?)  So at 1:30 this morning it was really, really noisy in my room because there was some stupid ass rodent running around in my window well and moving the gravel around and scratching at the glass and going *squeak squeak squeak*.  I couldn't sleep and I had had enough.  So I woke up my poor little brother and asked him to please do something about it.


Usually, when it's just a mouse it doesn't make that much noise, and I can sleep just fine, but it was making tons of noise, and I'm a little bit irrational, and I just kept thinking that, somehow, my window was gonna break and that fucker was gonna get in my room and then I would panic and start running, and then I would trip over something, and in the process of hurting myself, I would do some sort of awful brain damage to my baby.  Yeah, all this stuff goes through my head.  It's like, worst case scenario, all the time.  


Anyways, by the time my brother got outside with his BB gun my parents were awake and the three of us were standing in the kitchen watching my brother out the window.  You know on Animal Planet or the Discovery Channel they'll show a leapord 'stalking' it's prey?  It like sneaks up and then it just POUNCES!!!  This is kind of what was happening in my back yard.  Picture this.  A 17 year old boy with a BB gun in basketball shorts, a winter coat, and cowboy boots, sneaking up on a window well.  In the house, there's a man and woman in their underwear, and a pregnant chick that looks like warmed over death staring out a window watching the boy.  Then he notices we're watching so things get a little bit more dramatic for our amusement.  


Eventually, he killed the damn mouse.  My brother is the best shot I know.  He's shot hundreds of mice in our window wells over the past few years, and he hasn't broken a single window.  Kudos for Riley.  But then we all went back to bed, and I was happy.  And when I'm happy, everyone's happy.  So that's my story, and now I'm going to bed because The Late, Late Show is another re-run.  Sad day.  Buenas noches.


P.S.  There's some deep stuff coming up tomorrow.  Not really, but, I think it kind of is.  So if you care.  Come back tomorrow.

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